Fly Fishing The Planet of the Apes
Shortly after President Trump’s successful reelection campaign, the world as we knew it began to fall into utter chaos and disrepair. It wasn’t long before Ape’s took over the world of Fly Fishing. Man was kept around of course. Mostly as Part Time sales help at sporting goods box stores like “Donkey Kong Sport and Marine” or the now infamous “King Kong Angler”. Once Apes took over the sport of fly fishing, the similarities between Ape anglers and Human anglers was striking. The Ape fly fishing world collapsed many decades after its rise due to rampant Ape fly fishing marketing and commercialism, too many Apes on the water, out of control Ape outfitting, and Ape social media over exposure. The widely used Ape apps known as, “ChimpBook” and “OranguGram” became a frenzy of Apes posting their favorite Trout pictures solely for the purpose of impressing their Ape friends and colleagues. Some Apes were so insecure about their angling ability that they used advanced and tricky camera lens techniques in order to make their Trout look bigger. There were even Ape production companies filming everything from drunken Ape escapades for movie “filler” to certain “Gorilla’s” mishandling Bull Trout while filming in a jungle once known as North West Montana. Some Apes even used Drones and GoPro’s to exploit and film their own angling adventures, even if it ruined the other Ape’s serenity on the water. Individual Apes marketed themselves as “Montana Bubbles” and “Cat Fish Koko”. All for the purpose of seeking fly fishing notoriety with little more than a catchy Ape name and some big Trout pictures. Nope, the Primates didn’t take care of or nurture the coveted sport of fly fishing any more than the humans did and for that The Planet of Apes lost what they loved the most which was their fly fishing soul.
The following summary of Ape fly fishing trends and behavior, was uncovered by human researchers and archeologists long after the last known Ape threw a #5 weight. A bulk of this text and information was taken from an article in the last printed issue of “Ape, Rod, and Reel”.
Chimpanzee- This species of Ape turned out to be the consummate Nymph angler. Chimpanzees tend to be a “numbers” Ape which means Chimp’s tend to prefer “quantity over quality”. Chimpanzees are definitely the most “productive” fly fishing Ape. There is also little debate that Chimpanzees are the most technical anglers out of all the Great Apes. A Chimpanzee’s fly fishing knowledge of all the different strike indicators, split shot, tippet rings and custom “Chimp tied” leaders puts Chimpanzees well ahead of the other Apes in overthinking the sport. The Chimpanzee subspecies, “ChequePanzees” prove that certain Chimp anglers need no casting ability whatsoever in order to catch a lot of Trout. “ChequePanzees” rely on weighted flies, extremely long leader and lighter weight rods long enough to knock a banana from a tall tree. “ChequePanzees” never have to learn how to cast any great distance or possess legit mending game in order to be an effective Ape angler. A much lesser known Chimpanzee sub species called “ChimpKara” is the least evolved of all Chimpanzee anglers. “ChimpKara” anglers basically rely on a stick and string approach to fly fishing. This fly fishing style is very similar to their ancestors using a stick to remove termites from a mound. “Chimp Kara” anglers definitely catch a lot of fish, but they get very little respect from fly fishing Orangutan’s or Gorilla’s.
On the Planet of the Apes, Chimpanzees are both respected and maligned by the other Large Apes in the sport. Orangutans think Chimpanzees are “bobber anglers” and the Gorillas don’t think any other anglers matter but themselves. It is impossible to deny giving Chimpanzees their proper due as skilled anglers because there’s no Ape that has mastered a good “drift” better than a Chimp and the truth is, Chimpanzee’s catch more Trout than both Orangutan’s and Gorilla’s combined.
The beautiful side of Chimpanzee fly fishing is that there is simply no more effective or productive way to fish with a fly. If it wasn’t for nymph fishing, most Apes would never catch their first Trout and become avid anglers. The ugly side of Chimpanzee fly fishing is if an Ape came around a corner and witnessed a couple of other Apes pounding redds and disrupting spawning Trout. it is more than likely going to be a couple of Chimpanzee’s fishing an egg and wire worm set up.
Orangutans- In line with their supposed extreme intellect, Orangutans became the Dry Fly angler of the Apes. An Orangutan’s natural arrogance, elitist mentality and snobby attitude makes this Large Ape the ultimate dry fly angler. Whether it’s an Orangutan’s egotistical perception that dry flies are the only honorable way to present to a Trout, or their desire to cast for nothing but a surface eat, Orangutan’s are not in the sport for just “numbers”. Orangutan’s are in the sport for the “moment”. That “moment” is when a Trout comes up to eat a dry fly. Their desire for that “moment” costs Orangutans more Trout than all the Trout lost by Chimpanzee’s and Gorilla’s combined. Orangutans and their lack of angling versatility leave a ton of Trout “on the table” making Orangutans the absolute least productive of all the Ape anglers. The “purist” Orangutans are the dry fly only Apes. This Orangutan is the rarest of all the Large Apes. Dry fly only Orangutans have some of the lowest fish to net totals in the sport and this particular Ape could care less. Orangutans in general tend to think other Apes aren’t as worthy of anglers regardless as to how many Trout they catch. Ape behavioral scientists have concluded that a certain percentage of angling Orangutan’s possess “fly fishing bi-sexual tendencies” demonstrated when an Orangutan casts a “dry dropper” set up. Orangutans that fish a dry dropper, or “fish both ways if you will”, fly fish this way so they can maintain their strict standards of being a dry fly angler while also successfully catching Trout like a productive Chimpanzee does.
On the Planet of the Apes, Orangutans are viewed by Chimpanzees and Gorillas as an elitist Ape that doesn’t think their shit stinks. Chimpanzees are not afraid to call out Orangutans as snobs who look down their noses at all the other Apes. A Gorilla could care less about Orangutans. A Gorilla views Orangutans as a “sissy Ape” who never catches any oversized Trout.
The beautiful side of Orangutan fly fishing is that when an Orangutan is dying, its last thoughts will be of beautiful Trout sipping its perfectly presented dry fly off the surface. The ugly side of Orangutan fly fishing is you rarely ever see an Orangutan holding up an oversized Trout caught on a dry fly.
Gorillas- The biggest and baddest Ape of all is definitely the Streamer casting Gorilla. It’s no surprise that the brash, rude, aloof and cocky attitude of a Gorilla fits perfectly the dynamic of a Streamer angler. Gorilla’s throw nothing but “meat”. To a Gorilla a dry fly is a Mouse pattern. There is no such thing as a Streamer pattern too big for a Gorilla to cast, or a Flat Bill hat too annoying for a Gorilla to wear. Gorillas are neither looking for “numbers” or that “moment”. When a Gorilla is fishing Streamers he is swinging for “triples and dingers” only. The “old school” Gorillas are the Titans in the sport of fly fishing. These are the big time skilled Gorillas that have lifted more Trophy Trout than Chimpanzees and Orangutans combined. Because of this, Gorillas draw a lot of envy from the other Large Ape anglers. The younger Streamer Gorillas are particularly brash and cocky. A typical conversation by a couple of young Gorillas Streamer fishing together goes something like-
“Dude (Grunt). Like that’s a totally gnarly Jungle Dungeon articulated Streamer (Grunt). Like as soon as it hit the water (Grunt), I imagined the most epic Brownie just move on it (Grunt, Grunt). It was so bitchin’ (Grunt)”.
The Gorilla Streamer culture has its critics. Some of the older Chimpanzees and Orangutans find Gorillas as boorish, pretentious and short on fly fishing finesse. Whether it’s the Flat Bill caps, saggy pants or tendency to refer to other Gorillas as “Bra”, certain Gorillas are definitely getting on the other Primate’s nerves.
On the Planet of the Apes, Chimpanzee’s view Gorillas a lot more favorably than they do Orangutans. After all, Streamers can be dropped off a strike indicator. Chimpanzees are fascinated with a Gorilla’s willingness to stay true to “quality over quantity”. Orangutans find Gorillas odd and at times repulsive. Almost the “Neanderthal” of the Ape fly fishing scene. Gorillas don’t care. They thrive on the isolation, the focus and their tight fly fishing program. To a Gorilla, it’s all about standing at the plate and watching the “dinger” go over the fence. After a certain point, the “singles” don’t matter to a Gorilla anymore.
The Beautiful Side of Gorilla Fly Fishing is they do truly move and catch more oversized Trout than any other Ape species. The Ugly side of Gorilla Fly Fishing is they brought the “big buck” mentality into the sport.
~ The Foul Hooked Whitey
- Foul Hooked Whitey