Top 10 Annoying Things to say in a Montana Fly Shop - The Sequel
1. “Do you sell Trout Beads?” No we don’t sell Trout Beads. We don’t sell worms, leeches, live minnows or Power Bait either. The Foul Hooked Whitey hates to continue to break it to all you Bead anglers out there, but your not fishing with a Fly. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah I know, Beads really work and at times “they’re the only thing” that does work. One thing is for sure, there is no better way to foul hook a Trout or Salmon than fishing with a Bead. You got to give Bead Anglers their due as they have started their own sport called Fly Rod fishing because they sure as shit aren’t fishing with a Fly. Have you ever noticed you don’t see a lot of Social Media Trout Porn pics with a Bead and bare hook hanging out of the mouth. That’s because these Anglers are too fucking embarrassed. Bead Anglers are playing the part of a Fly Fisherman but in actuality are not fishing like one. Fly Fishing with a Bead is a lot like being a gay dude that’s married to a beautiful woman. Even though Bead Anglers have the privilege of taking their beautiful wife to their company Christmas party, the whole night they are actually checking out the cute guy standing in the corner.
2. “Do you sell Patagonia waders and boots?” Not anymore I got sick and tired of constantly losing money on them as a retailer. Patagonia is a great company with a phenomenal history of manufacturing some of the greatest soft goods in the outdoor industry, but their foray into waders and boots has been as successful as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. The biggest problem with Patagonia’s wader and boot program is that their waders have never fit worth a shit. Their boots (all three models mind you) are about as comfortable as fucking a sandpaper pussy. If every angler had the physique of Quasi Moto or let’s say Shrek, their waders would fit just fine. Unfortunately even though an angler might wish to purchase a standard size large, Patagonia waders have ended up fitting like a cross between a wet paper bag and a cardboard box. The Patagonia boot line has fared only slightly better. To give Patagonia’s boot engineering some credit they did revolutionize the aluminum cleating system with their Tractor boots even though that boots upper was as stiff as a 19 year old virgin male on his honeymoon. Considering Patagonia’s deep financial resources it must really burn their ass that they can’t compete with Simms in the wader and boot marketplace. It’s a good thing for Patagonia a lot of Junior High aged girls still love to buy their trucker hats.
3. "Why do they call them Strike Indicators?” The term Strike Indicator was developed by Nymph Anglers to make them feel more sophisticated about themselves and their angling ability by not having to use the word “Bobber”. Of course Strike Indicators are Bobbers, but as usual Fly Fisherman will do anything, including coming up with exaggerated descriptions of equipment to cover up the fact that they are basically pseudo bait Anglers only with a Fly. Let’s face it, Nymph Anglers are the most productive Fishermen and Women in our sport even if they do fish with a Bobber. We actually get Dudes that come into the shop looking for a Clear Bobber due to their fear that Trout are actually going to be turned off by drifting a neon orange Bobber instead. I hate to break it to these Anglers, but back in the day when I was desperate to catch Trout with a Nymph set up I would actually have Trout come up to the surface and try to eat my neon orange Bobber. Which if you think about it, that makes a lot of sense as Bobbers do look like the sports biggest fucking Egg pattern. There’s nothing wrong with fishing a Bobber. How else are Anglers with no desire to move a trout from where they are holding going to know they have a “Strike”. Oops. I should rephrase that to how are they going to know when they have a “Bob”?
4. “I bought these online would you mind spooling up a Reel and Line for me?” It is one thing to buy online, but it’s a whole different thing for customers to expect Fly Shops to provide the service and time to properly put gear together when in a lot of cases all the Shop gets out of the interaction is a backing sale. Don’t get the Foul Hooked Whitey wrong, I am long past the bad feelings of consumers in the marketplace choosing to do business online instead of at their local Fly Shop. Loyal customers are like Hot Chicks. A good Fly Shop should crawl through 6 miles of broken glass just to unhook her bra. In other words, Fly Shops should go out of their way to both Thank and Appreciate customers that still choose to do their business in Fly Shops. Having said that, retailers in specialty Fly and Tackle have grown thick skins and are getting more and more use to the lack of loyalty. A lot of these Anglers have no idea how the gear they bought online was available right around the corner at their local Fly Shop. I would be careful if I was the online consumer. You never know, someday Fly Shops might be a thing of the past. If that day comes, online customers will actually have to load their internet purchased Fly Reel with backing and line all by themselves. For some of these Anglers, that will be like watching a Grizzly Bear fuck a squirrel.
5. “I am a Fly Fishing artist” Yeah and I am the new lead singer of AC/DC. Ever since the Master, Derek DeYoung burst onto the Fly Fishing scene over a decade ago, there have been more knock off “artists” in the sport of Fly Fishing than Big Titted MILF’s at a Def Leppard concert. I mean let’s be real, there’s a lot of popular and successful Fly Fishing artists in the sport that are all likely making a good living selling their originals, prints and cheesy ceramic coffee mugs. I would suggest that 90% of those artists send Derek DeYoung 10% of their gross earnings to help make up for knocking off and making a living off of stealing Deyoung’s artistic genre and style.
6. “Do you sell Swivels and Tippet Rings?” Yep we sure do Folks. They’re located right back here next to our Panther Martin Spinners and Repala Lures. Sheesh...... That’s what the sport is coming to. Metal components on our Leaders. Everyone does realize the purpose of these tackle additions to our sport are solely there to make Nymph Anglers even lazier. “It makes it so easy. I just love to use Tippet Rings”. If you are over 60 and use Swivels and Tippet Rings then knock your socks off, it’s understandable. If you are under 60 and using them you are the Alex Rodriguez of Fly Fishing. You are a cheater. That’s right a cheater. Fly fishing is about tradition. It’s about simplicity. It’s about tapered flow. The more junk you add from your tip top to the bottom of your Tippet the more complicated you’ve made a simple Fly set up and that’s just another example of the maturing equipment nauseam in our sport.
7. “Do you sell the Fly Tying material Squirmy Wormies?” Yes. They are located right back here next to our “Fisting” and “Double Penetration” videos. Ladies and Gentleman, the sleaziest Fly Tying material ever created in the sport of Fly Fishing, may I introduce, “Squirmy Wormies”. Holy shit. Have you seen these things? They look like they should be found in a clearance bin at a Bass Pro Shop. I mean I’d eat the fuckers. Squirmy Wormies is an Annilead Anglers wet dream. In case you don’t know, Squirmy Wormies are a latex worm material that is so life like they must use the same material when they build the vaginal cavity on one of those super realistic and functional sex dolls. Wow! That one might be way too much even for the Foul Hooked Whitey. When the Big Horn River suffered two consecutive difficult seasons due to excessively high water issues, one of the most popular “Flies” fished during these summers was a Squirmy Wormie because supposedly they worked better than anything else. Some of the let’s just say, less traditional Anglers out there were actually dropping a bare hook under a suspended Squirmy Wormie a la Trout Bead style. This set up is sleazier than Bill Clinton hosting a White House intern conference. So come on in Folks and pick up your favorite Squirmy Wormy color. With every drift using these latex morsels you will become less and less of a Fly Fisherman and more and more like an angler representing the Creepy Crawler generation.
8. “I caught 100 Trout the other day?” Please stop saying that. There is nothing more annoying than standing behind a Fly Shop counter and having to listen to someone brag about how many Trout they caught. Don’t get me wrong, every angler likes to catch “numbers”. It’s a sign of proficiency and shows a skill set. But take it from a Fly Shop owner who talks to hundreds of different anglers each week, the anglers that brag about catching a “100 Trout” a day, is very likely NOT the angler that actually catches “100 Trout” in a day. If an angler truly catches a “100 Trout” in a day, they are either raping a spawning bed with an egg pattern or catching 10” Brook Trout on a stocked alpine lake with a Mosquito pattern. To boast that you had a “100 Trout” day is as ridiculous as similar amateurs in the sport declaring, “I can row”, “I threw a 90’ cast to that fish” or the ever popular “I caught a fish on every cast”.
9. “I get a Pro Deal from Simms. I am not going to buy anything I just need to try on some waders and boots for size?” Are you out of your fucking mind? Little pisses The Foul Hooked Whitey off more than some dude walking into the shop and wanting to try on waders, boots or outerwear because they get a discount or cost deal from a Fly Fishing vendor. This happens more than you think and it should piss off the average angler out there who works hard to pay full retail for their gear. Our sport is full of “brand ambassadors” who have somehow weaseled their way into a Fly Fishing Manufacture’s discount program for doing little more than knowing the right person at the vendor or by posting pictures of themselves using gear on social media. Some vendors hand out discounts and Pro Deals like an unscrupulous MD passes out Oxy Contin. Let’s create a new qualification criteria for all the “brand ambassadors” out there. If you don’t Guide at least 100 days a year, or make 100% of your living working in the Fly Fishing industry then you don’t get any free shit.
10. “Do you sell Tenkara rods?” I use to, and then I realized they are part of the sissification of Fly Fishing. That’s a little harsh. I mean let’s face it, there are some legit icons in the sport that have really promoted and endorsed Tenkara fishing. Those icons include Yvon Chouinard, Craig Mathews and some of my friends and really good customers. I even saw this Tenkara video that had these Dudes fighting and landing big Carp on their Tenkara Rods. The true problem with Tenkara is that even avid Tenkara Anglers will tell you that this style of Fly Fishing is ideal for kids and beginning Anglers? Huh? That’s like a Major League baseball player still wanting to play with a Wiffle Ball and plastic bat. Regardless of all the Tenkara advocates out there who are standing up for Tenkara since it become the whipping post in the sport. The bottom line is Tenkara Anglers are viewed as the child that is still playing with a wooden paddle with a rubber ball attached. At some point, you have to grow up and starting using a tennis racket and tennis ball.
-The Foul Hooked Whitey
- Foul Hooked Whitey